Keep Your Sludge Off My Snow

Ah, a new year. It’s like touching a fresh, crisp dollar bill. It’s so shiny and new, so pretty. What’s that? You think our currency isn’t pretty? Alright, Communist. Try this … it’s like a freshly fallen snow, so beautiful in its innocence. Until people drive around and it turns to grey sludge, and you remember it’s freaking cold outside, and you question your life’s choices while shoveling the driveway in -8 temps, while your husband tries to get the dog to pee on the beautiful snow, but she’s a freak of nature and forgot what snow was and limps around like she doesn’t want to touch it.

That moment, right there? That is life. Real life. It’s the reason we can appreciate that untouched first round of snow. If life was all fairies and rainbows, we wouldn’t appreciate it. No, Deborah, I’m not a life coach. I’m just feeling a shift inside (shift, not shit. Jeez. Why you always in the gutter, girl?).

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Oh, Snap!

Well, I finally joined Snapchat. It was traumatic. I have no idea how to use it, aside from making silly faces and sending them to my niece. But, seconds after posting the link to my profile, I had at least 10 people click to follow (friend? I don’t know the terminology–shut up, Deborah) me. I added videos to My Story. Whatever in the hell that is.

Do I send the videos out? I had to ask a new “friend” how to even access the pics/videos. I pretended to understand where the Camera Roll was (PSA: it was NOT on my camera or in my gallery). I don’t want to get all creeper-spammy-like and beg people to buy my nonfiction humor book (though, they totes should because that shit is funny). But I might. I mean, it’s got to be better than some of the weird shit men have sent me since the day I got a Facebook account (another PSA: stop using FB to call my computer. I’m not answering, asshole. Also, you will not get a picture from me. And stop sending those damn pics of flowers. It is NOT the same as sending me flowers).

Anyway, I’m trying it out. I have no idea how this is going to go. I feel like a four-year-old with an iPhone. Though, my niece, who is four, has mastered that, so maybe not. If you are an author who rocks the Snapchat, leave me a comment and help a sister out. What do I do once I have the account? How do I connect? Use the app to sell books? I’m open to suggestions, peeps. I’m looking at you, millennials. The under 30 crowd owns this space. Help! …also, I’d really like to know how to access the pics and videos I take so I can send them to my Bro via text message. I found one, but that was luck. Later gators.


Bite Me

Realm Map.jpg

Above: Map of the world I’m building…or continent. Whatever. Shut up, Deborah.

For the first time, I am writing something without outlandish, inappropriate humor. It’s been amazing, if not weird, and definitely difficult to stay away from my favorite curse words (i.e. the f-bomb and all its fun variations, such as fuckwad–I really like that one).

I love to read fantasy/paranormal romance, yet, I write mainly New Adult Humor books. Which is odd because I typically don’t read New Adult books; though, I do appreciate a good comedy. Earlier this year, I read a quote that said, “Write what you know,” and it really resonated with me. I do know comedy and humor, and I’ve written it. But I also know fantasy/paranormal romance, if my Kindle purchases are any indication.

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Toilet Book

Jennifer Grey Face

Wowzas. I’ve been MIA this month. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been super productive, but that would be a lie. I’ve been super distracted with small bursts of productivity, all of which surround the new book I’m writing with C.C. Edwards, my brother. The problem lies in the content. Every time I go to edit, I find myself reading, laughing, and wondering what the hell is wrong with us instead of finishing the damn book. Let’s blame C.C. for that, shall we?

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Cass, Thy Name is Dummy

It’s official. I have no idea what I’m doing. In life. In parenting. In cooking (shut it, Mom). Now we can add all the stuff that falls under the writing umbrella that isn’t the actual writing of the story–not that I’m great at that, either. I’m talking marketing, social media-ing (is that a word? can I be the one who coined it?), designing book covers, querying, etc. Who has time to do all this shit? Not this girl, and I don’t even have a real job!

My brother and I are wrapping up a nonfiction humor book. We decided to throw a query letter out there. We will likely self-publish, but we wanted to try our hand at being “legit” in the publishing world. Bro left it up to me to write the letter. Big mistake. Huge. Below is how it started:

Dear Mr Man

I Googled and looked at dozens of query letters. They were all so freaking formal and boring. Do publishers like that? Where’s the emotion? The I-gotta-know-more-about-this-author feeling? I know I don’t have that down, but I’m trying.

I attempted writing what the Internet showed me was appropriate. I tried it again. I couldn’t stand it. I’m not good at that sort of thing. So, I decided to write the letter in the same tone as our book. A little rude and a little funny. Unfortunately, I may have pissed off Mr. Man or offended him. Oops. I also may have referenced taking a dump. And by “may have” I mean I totally did. It wasn’t until after I sent the letter I thought, Hmmm, perhaps he won’t appreciate the visual of sitting on the toilet? 

Don't Answer That

Surely, I’m not the first? Oh, I am? I kind of like that. I’m also horrified. I guess I’ll figure out my feelings if Mr. Man contacts me. Either way, it’s kind of funny. Maybe. Dammit. I need validation, Universe.

*If you’re reading this and think you might be interested in getting your hands on the disaster that is our book, click here to sign up to be an ARC reader.

Writing, You’ll Be the Death of Me by Cass Alexander

Practice safe writing!

Ari Meghlen - Writer | Blogger | Bad card player

Annndddd she’s back! The absolutely awesomely, amusing Cass Alexander has given up yet more of her time to guest post again.  Check out this post and if you missed her last one, shame on you! Go read it here. (after you finish THIS post!)

CA authorWriting, You’ll Be the Death of Me

by Cass Alexander

In June of 2016, I made the decision I was finally going to write “that book” I’d wanted to write for the past few years.

My family had just moved from Charleston, S.C. to the Midwest, and I decided I would not look for a teaching job. I had the luxury of time and it was a now or never feeling I was experiencing.

Little did I know, that decision could have had catastrophic consequences—and I’m not talking about the mockery and ridicule I could get from writing a piece of crap. I’m talking a…

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Guest post: Cass Alexander

Check out my guest post on Ari Meghlen’s blog, The Eternal Scribbler …

Ari Meghlen - Writer | Blogger | Bad card player

Once again I have been harassing other writers to guest post on this blog. This week’s guester is the lovely Cass Alexander, who talks about whether to use a Pen Name. Enjoy!

Cass1My Name’s Not Cass, But You Can Call Me Cass

by Cass Alexander

Prior to publishing my first romance novel, my husband and I debated whether I should publish under my real name or use a pen name. Marketing, in the short term, would be easier if I used my legit name, because I know lots of people. And, let’s face it, it’s pretty damn cool to see your name slapped on the cover of a book.

But, in the end, I didn’t have the balls to use my real name. Like all healthy, well-adjusted citizens of the world, I blame societal pressures.

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Mom’s Gonna Kill Us


If you’ve been following my blog, you probably know Cass Alexander is my pen name. You also probably know my sense of humor is, well, different? Special? Dark? Not normal? Oh, totes inappropriate. Yes, that’s the word. It’s not my fault, really. If you’ve met my family you would understand.

You like that picture above? That’s my older brother and I circa 1980. We were cute. We were also diabolical. Still are, and we wear that description as one would wear a badge of honor. But we’re also close and, all things considered, good at heart. In fact, he’s the one that gave me my pen name. He’s good with words. I always thought he should write a book–a legit novel, not like the romantic comedies I write.

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ARCs, ADD, and … Cocaine?

Sweet baby Cheese-its! I swear I have adult ADD. I’ve got a nonfiction book going, co-authored with my brother, The Prince of Darkness (don’t ask). And I’m also trying to wrap up a fantasy romance novel. I want to write all the things. In all the genres. We likes it! Give us the precious. Oh, and I am begging for ARCs.

Yeah, yeah, I’m wired on caffeine. Stop looking so appalled at my chaotic thread of thoughts. It’s not like I’ve been snorting coke. Side note, does snorting coke work on ADD? Asking for a friend.

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Bestseller? Really?

Hello, Universe. It’s been a while. I haven’t posted a blog in two months. What’s that? Have I been too busy writing novels to post in my blog? Pardon me while I laugh my ass off. But, no, I haven’t been too busy writing. To put it mildly, I’ve been doing my damnedest to keep life from punching me in the face. Repetitively. Also, I’ve been busy researching and wrestling with marketing ideas for the three books I already have published. Apparently, I’ve already written a bestseller. Watch me continue to laugh my ass right off my body.

You see, since I’m an unknown author (I consider myself this, the world at large considers me this, ergo…), I’ve come across quite a few articles and stories of writers who found success once they had several books published. In order to get people reading their first book, the made it available for free, which led to purchases of the second book, which led to purchases of the third–see the pattern?

When I was in KDP Select, each time I used my free days I had a surge in downloads and those bumps always pushed me onto one of the Amazon Bestsellers lists. I’m no longer using Select as I have decided to go wide (sounds dirty) with distribution. As I had nothing to lose, I got onto Smashwords (which will distribute your books to Apple, Barnes and Noble, etc.) and made my first novel free. Next, I asked some people to help me get Amazon to list the books as free.

Amazon won’t let you make the book free in KDP. You have to have clicks on the “Would you like to tell us about a lower price?” button and copy/paste a URL to other seller’s pages where the book is free. Eventually, Amazon will match the price. It took a week or two, at least (sorry, I didn’t track it, I was busy living life and re-grouting my shower). I noticed the change August 23rd. I noticed it because Working On It, the book I made free, suddenly jumped onto two Amazon Bestsellers lists: General Humor and Romance Sports (yes, that’s a thing).

Side note: I think it’s hilarious my romance novel made it onto General Humor’s top 10 list.

I was totes surprised and quickly logged into KDP to look at my numbers. I did see an uptick in downloads (see pic below). Considering I sold less than 10 books in August, the percentage increase was huge. But not what I consider bestseller-worthy. I mean, 600+ downloads in two weeks is great for this author. But it may be a fluke. Just look at the graph and the downward path those columns are taking. I’ve had over 1,000 downloads for this book. It’s nothing to write home about.

Sales Pic for Blog Sept 6

While I’m stoked I went as high as top 10 on the General Humor list, I don’t think I have the right to walk around saying I’m a bestselling author. Technically, I was on a list that said I was. But it feels like a lie. I’ve been on that list before. I’ve had better numbers than on this graph (but for a 1-2 day spike). Maybe if I had 5,000 in legit sales I would feel differently. And maybe if they were paid and not free.

Luckily, I’m in a position right now where I can give Working On It away. I am considering leaving it perma-free. At this point, I think I simply want to get it in people’s hands and give them some enjoyment (that’s what he said). If I can continue getting 600+ downloads every two weeks, and add that to my 1,000 downloads from prior months, I’ll have 5,000 downloads in three months. That would make me feel too-legit-to-quit.

Until then, though, I’d feel like a jackass walking around telling people I have written a bestseller. Stephen King writes bestsellers. Nicholas Sparks writes bestsellers. Cass Alexander’s measly 1,600 downloads for Working On It does not put her on that list. Yet.

You can find Working On It and download for free (and get me on a freaking legit list) in the following places:

Barnes and Noble
Sony (Kobo)